Sometimes, It’s OK To Be the Villain

By dismissing my emotions and ignoring its signals, feelings remained lodged in my nervous system and I got caught up in unhealthy work situations, toxic boyfriends, and a dissociated body.

In my 30s, I’m still learning how to resource myself properly so my feelings can flow through me, providing me with critical information about my environment and the people around me. Love now feels more profound when I can put myself on the razor edge moment of the present and experience the full strength of my emotions knowing it’s a temporary moment.

By dismissing my emotions and ignoring its signals, feelings remained lodged in my nervous system and I got caught up in unhealthy work situations, toxic boyfriends, and a dissociated body.

I’ve stopped relying so heavily on outside sources for advice because I now trust my emotions to instinctively guide my intuition towards the actions that are right for me.

Embrace Heartbreak

Grief has been one of my most important teachers. Paradoxically, the emotion has taught me so much about the depths of love.

The immensity of the grief felt is proportional to the love experienced. Grief conveys the beauty of the love that was left behind. Energy cannot be destroyed, only changed. The unspent energy of love is looking for a place to go, and so love transmutes into heartbreak.

I spent the majority of my life minimizing the strength of my emotions and fearful of how overwhelming it would all feel. Looking at grief from that perspective, I wish I had known sooner that there was always beauty there in some of my most painful moments. That I could handle it. Grief was not something to shake off, but a souvenir to commemorate the past relationships and meaningful experiences that had once shaped my life.

We Have Many Soulmates

I grew up believing in “The One” or the idea of finding that one person who would make me happy beyond my wildest dreams, fulfill all of my needs (without me even telling them what they are, they would just know!) https://lovingwomen.org/tr/blog/amerikali-erkek-arayan-yabanci-kadinlar/, and complete me. However, I later realized that belief was setting me up for disappointment and codependency. It’s unrealistic to expect one person to fulfill all of our hopes dreams, and expectations.

While I believe in soulmates and their significance, I’ve also learned that other connections can be just as invaluable. In my 20s, I operated in a silo and only prioritized my romantic relationships. In my 30s, I have learned how to nurture my community better.

My best friends are incredibly important to me. They give me advice to round out my thinking, support me when I’m down, take care of my secrets, and make me feel like I belong. I am grateful I have people in my corner who appreciate, understand, protect, center, and love me with a deep recognition and that’s something I wish I nurtured sooner.

I used to prioritize being a “good person” in love, often at the expense of my truth. I loved my past partners and wanted to make them happy and comfortable, neglecting my needs, values, and goals. In the process, I found myself repeating my worst habits, and feeling trapped in relationships where the dynamic looped in the same, unhealthy patterns. I got severely depressed and sick-I started losing my hair, my voice, and my power.

Embracing the role of the villain in someone else’s story can be empowering if it means staying true to yourself. When I stood up for my authentic truth, it caused discomfort. A few important relationships ended because they no longer worked when I was myself. I wanted to be honest about what I needed and tried not to hurt them but it happened anyway. Sometimes, I blew up my life in the process. I had to learn how to alchemize that pain, forgive myself, and acknowledge where I could do better.